WHAT I DESPISE ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA

          One of the more annoying phenomena of modern times is the need for more and more Americans to come across as witty, smart, and funny, a desire that increases exponentially in the age of social media.  Unfortunately, this yearning to impress is problematic for the constituents of a country whose creativity today as a collective whole resembles that of an eight-year old who repeats the same thing over and over because it got a laugh the first time.  Therefore, on social media (especially, but not limited to Twitter), the inevitable use and reuse and reuse and reuse of what this author calls internet clichés rears its ugly head, a particularly vexing annoyance for anyone who appreciates originality and strives to be a true individual thinker.  Below are some of the clichés that have passed their sell-by dates long before their users became the two thousandth person typing this onto their cell phones, along with some unasked-for commentary by yours truly:

"This!" Usage of this! followed by the sharing of a link or someone else's tweet or comment means you apparently need someone to articulate what you, yourself, are incapable of expressing.

"Asking for a friend" Of course.  Your friend is too shy to create a Twitter profile under an alias and is, therefore, quite grateful to you for asking this question on social media.

"That's it- that's the tweet"  That's it- conclusive proof that you have nothing to offer.

"This.Is.Not.Normal."  Correct.  Normally, this.is.to.be.written.as.one.sentence.

"Let me fix that headline for you."  No, thank you.  I created my own headline.  You can write your own.  On second thought, why don't you swim with piranhas to scratch that off of your bucket list?

"This is gold."  I can assure you that, 99 out of 100 times, it is probably not gold.  Or silver. Or bronze.  Probably, non-biodegradable plastic at best, non-biodegradable plastic that smells like an unchanged litter box in most instances.

"Winning the Internet."  Okay, great.  What's my prize?

"Breaking the Internet."  I can't even...

"My (say, 2020 COVID Pandemic) Bingo Card did not have (insert stupid event here) on it."  When this author sees this one recycled constantly, he wonders whether each person who uses it believes that no prior person has come across this.

"Hold my beer."  How about holding onto......This!

"I'm just going to leave this here."  Quite symbolic of the collective American attitude towards recycling.

"I don't know who needs to hear this."  First, you're typing this, not speaking, so you really do not know who needs to see this.  Second, if you do not know who needs to "hear" this, then shut up and proceed no further.

"I'm not crying, you're crying."  No, really, it's just you crying.  Seeing a clip of a U.S. solider serving overseas surprising their daughter (it's ALWAYS a daughter, never a son) at their high school or college graduation loses its emotional impact after the 72nd time seeing it.

"But here we are."  Actually, I am over here, and you are where you are.

"I will wait."  Patience is a virtue.  I respect that about you. If your waiting means you will hold your breath until you get a response, so much the better.

"History will not be kind" or some variation of this, usually followed by some liberal admonishment of Republicans doing alleged evil on the national stage.  Like "this is not who we are," "history..." is a cliche overused these days by liberals that means zero upon analysis.  Please consult this author's all-time favorite poem, Shelley's "Ozymandias," for more information.  Also, Republicans committing evil are worried about the accumulation of power and wealth on earth while they are alive and not about posterity.  (Obviously, their actions also support the idea that, public statements to the contrary, they also do not believe in an afterlife.)

"Your daily reminder that," every day, people will use the same lines over and over.

           Like new COVID mutations, new cliches are sprouting as we speak that have not yet become commonplace.  Meanwhile, thoughtful people have to deal with  "(Person) is the (Person) of (Person)" (Sample seen on Twitter: "Scott Baio is the Tim Allen of Chuck Woolerys"), "Remember when (event that did not happen or some false notion)?  Oh wait, (what actually did happen or what actually is allegedly true)," and a particularly insidious one where a Tweeter types a few words, then types the words ("checks notes") in parenthesis, and then finishes their thought, as if Americans today have the intellectual motivation to actually take notes on anything.

         What to do about this scourge?  In his 1997 book Braindroppings, George Carlin titled a section "More general lame overused expressions for which the users ought to be slain" (his use of lowercase, not mine), followed by such nightmares as "tell us how you really feel," "don't try this at home," "what's wrong with this picture?," etc.  Now, despite my piranha line above, I do NOT agree that people who regurgitate internet cliches should pay with their lives.  However, I will say....THIS!:  those (checks notes) who resort to their usage are lazy hacks, followers whoring for "likes," and not those who will move philosophy or critical commentary forward.  

        I'm just going to leave this here.