What is a "Friend"?- originally posted 1/16/08

The term "friend" gets tossed about a lot without regards as to what this exactly means. Random House's The American College Dictionary has a non-ambitious definition of the word: 1) one attached to another by feelings of personal regard; 2) a well-wisher, patron, or supporter; 3) one who is on good terms with another; one not hostile. What does being a friend mean in practical terms, and what are your responsibilities to a "friend"?

To answer this question is to identify the difference between a "true" friend and a "casual" friend. In my opinion, true friends are very supportive of each other, and are "there" whenever possible. True friends relish each other's successes and happiness without a hint of envy, and who do not bail out when a friendship can become an inconvenience. True friends can confide in each other without betrayal. More simply, true friends like and accept each other for who they are, flaws and all. True friends get the benefit of the doubt and a true friendship does not fall prey to the claws of misunderstanding. Most important, when relevant, true friends should be open and honest with each other. A mere casual friend meets some of the criteria delineated above, but the bonds aren't that strong; hence, it might be more accurate to use the expression "casual acquaintance" or being "on friendly terms," for a casual friend.

One time the idea of responsibility to a true friend came into play with a woman I met who, so as not to reveal her name, we'll call Audrey. The story is much more complicated than detailed, but what I will describe below will be sufficient to get to my point. Audrey was a blissful bride-to-be I met indirectly through a mutual acquaintance who knew the man she was about to marry, a man, who, so as not to reveal his name, we'll call Lamar. I helped Audrey out a bit with a delicate pre-marital situation with some advice and humor. We struck up an overwhelmingly platonic e-mail relationship. I believe she enjoyed my wit, sense-of-humor, and underutilized intelligence, and I just thought Audrey was a nice person. At the time, I was on crutches with evidence of Avascular Necrosis (AVN), a potential hip replacement was not ruled out, and I looked forward to receiving e-mails and the occasional phone call from her.

Audrey, in turn, started to call me a "friend."

The problem was this- I knew something about Lamar, that he was hardly a faithful person-at-heart, and I even knew that he had previously planned to cheat on Audrey with a friend of mine. It was not just hearsay. What to do? It's the age-old Ann Landers/Dear Abby dilemma of whether you have a responsibility to tell what you think is the truth, even at the cost of losing your friendship, since the friend will typically blindly believe the main squeeze. I ended up not directly stating what I knew, and felt guilty about it, because I did not feel as though I was acting like a friend. When someone calls me a friend, I take the responsibility that goes with that very seriously. So, I dropped some subtle hints intimating that I knew something, without being specific, and this led to the eventual dissolution of our friendship through an impersonal e-mail she sent me stating that what I was doing was "inappropriate," and not to e-mail her again. Was it? That's the question I have for the reader of this meandering blog.